Tips for Those Contacting Tech Support

Okay, I know this is off-topic, but I'm about ready to chisel my way through the painted-closed windows behind my cube and take a swan dive. (currently, the building owners are in the process of replacing all of our old, double hung, open-able windows for sleek 1-piece sheet windows - perhaps they don't want to take responsibility for us screaming obscenities at the Governor before plummeting to our deaths)

I've been working at various tech support jobs for 10+ years. Private industry, ISPs and, now, government. In other words - I know of what I speak... er, type.

What follows are a few pointers for those who call for tech support. Read them. Take them to heart. Please. I'm begging you...

Think Ahead!

1. 
   The chances are, the tech will ask you to write down some sort of information (i.e. a reference number, a password, etc.). Many techs are monitored as to the number of calls they make per day or per hour (in some cases, they are paid based on those numbers, or obtain bonuses based upon them). If we have to sit and wait as you rummage around looking for a working pen or a scrap of paper, we're not going to be happy.
2. If you are calling to make a payment - HAVE THE CREDIT CARD OUT BEFORE YOU CALL!
3. Are you calling about a license of some sort? A filing? An email or internet account? If you don't have your information memorized, look it up and have it ready before you call.
4. If you can't find/remember your information, be prepared to be asked for your social security number - that is often the only way we have of verifying you or looking up your account information. Don't fight us on it - we can't help you if you refuse to give the information we need to be of assistance. Honestly - we don't give a #$%! what your ssn is.

If you are calling in response to a letter you received, for all that's holy to you, have it ready when you call!

Please keep in mind that the tech you are talking to CAN NOT SEE WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN! (most of you - i hope - are shaking your heads at this one, but you may be surprised just how many people think we all have Big Brother-esque capabilities) While I appreciate that you think we are omniscient, when you say "it's over there," we have no idea what you're referring to.

If we tell you to reboot your machine or modem, we're not trying to slough you off (or at least, that's not all of it). Seriously, it is the first step for a large number of issues. Oh, and when we insist that you "do it again" when you say you've already rebooted, it's because we get lied to alot about it and if we spend 20+ minutes teching your issue and it "miraculously" starts working again when you finally reboot, we're going to be pissed. Seriously, I've heard the Microsoft shut down/log on music AFTER someone swore up and down that they had already rebooted and, lo and behold, their problem "suddenly disappeared." Count yourself lucky that I couldn't bite your nose through the phone.

Remember taking those standardized tests in school and how DO NOT WORK AHEAD was always trumpeted across the end of each section? Well, DO NOT WORK AHEAD applies to tech calls as well. Please, do not click on something until we tell you to. Do not assume that we WANT you to click on it yet. Who knows, you may need to right click, or double click, or fill in more information before you can click anything at all.

By the way... yes, we have already heard the jokes about the "any key" and the "cup holder."

If you're wrong about something, man up and admit it; you'll gain our respect, which is not easy to do when we've been chained by the ear to a cubicle for 8-10 hours.

Just so you know - female techs know what they're doing just as well as male techs.

There may be times when you hear us chuckle - I am guilty of this when what I really want to do is tear the phone out of the caller's hand and beat them about the head and shoulders. We aren't laughing at you, honestly. For all you know, the guy who sits in the cubicle across the aisle just did a great pantomime of stabbing himself with a letter opener as the person on HIS line rattles on about his sprained ankle or her six cats, one of whom has a hairball issue. My favorite was when I got hit smack in the middle of the forehead with a marshmallow while on a call. (check out thinkgeek.com for cubicle war paraphernalia)

3 Terms You May Not Know

RTFM - Real the F*&%#!'n Manual

PEBKAC - Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

ID-10T Error - (hint - squoosh it together)

Lest you think I'm exaggerating, let me tell you a little story - a true story...

I was working as tech support for a large law firm. One of the partners was a notorious misogynist who refused would hang up on us if one of the women in the department answered (just two: a wonderful Jewish lady w/ one hell of a sense of humor and myself). Since I was low girl on the totem pool, I had the crappy 2nd shift, which meant I was the ONLY tech after 6pm. So, Mr. Partner comes storming into the office, looking around for one of the guys and finally saw Mike (cohort in crime and smart-ass extraordinaire). Mr. Partner yelled and shouted and made grandiose hand gestures, illustrating his frustration at having worked on a brief since 10 that morning and he lost the whole thing because the "piece of shit computer lost it" and wouldn't turn back on. After much bluster, Mike informed Mr. Partner that he was running a very sensitive "memory allocation and distribution algorithm" that needed his undivided attention, but that he was sure that I would be able to help him. (if i recall, he was actually checking the movie listings for the upcoming weekend)

So, off we go to Mr. Partner's lovely office. I sat down at the desk, took a quick glance, then looked up at the bull pacing and puffing behind me (literally - i could feel his breath stir my hair) and said, with as sweet a smile as I could manage, "Why don't you go down and get a cigarette while I troubleshoot this?" (as a smoker, you get to know the people in your office who are smokers as well) He stomped out of the room. I turned back around and TURNED ON THE MONITOR. Yep, he had hit the screen and had managed to turn off the monitor and couldn't figure out what happened to his brief.

When he came back, the brief was on the screen and saved. He was so impressed, he didn't even get angry when I reminded him about the importance of saving his work frequently "in case it happens again." Of course, I didn't tell him just what the issue was. There's no harm in being thought a goddess, is there?

Open mouth, insert foot...

Hmmm... this may become a constant feature - I'm constantly sticking my size 9.5's down my own throat, it seems.

I consider myself lucky to have friends to whom I can send the following message without worrying that they'll turn me in for harrassment:

Me: Hey, hon... could you do me a favor, puhleeeeeeze?
B: Sure. What's up?
Me: When you come visit, could you wrap me in duct tape and then cut me out of my clothes?
B: (crickets chirping)
(then, just as i'm ready to apologize because i just realized how that sounded...)
B: LMFAO. Sure!

Of course, there is a reason for such a request, and it's not even dirty!

I'm a rather, shall we say, Rubenesque woman. Commercial dress forms do not come in my size, which can make fittings rather difficult. After some research, I found a number of sites that gave directions to make a body-double. Threads Magazine has one of the best how-to's out there. You can find the directions here - don't forget to scroll down because there are FOUR! different options to create a personal dressform.

You skinny-jeans-wearing Twiggy-types could use one of these as well. I've yet to meet a woman (or man, for that matter) who is a perfect size anything - we all have issues, like uneven hips, wide shoulders, narrow shoulders, short waists, long waists, legs that "go on forever" and legs that, well, don't. Very very few of us fit into the "standard" measurements used by the pattern drafting industry. A body double enables you to make alterations and adjustments much more easily, without the constant on-and-off, twist to see the back in the mirror, etc. It also makes hemming your own skirts and pants a breeze.

Grab yourself a friend, a t-shirt and a bunch of duct tape and go to it!

First Scan... hmmm...

Drunken landlords notwithstanding, I'm about ready to put my machine through its paces. So, what am I making this time? Not a costume (though i've got some undersleeves to make by the end of the month for a show), not a tailoring job, not a quilt... I'm actually going to make a dress. Yes, a real dress, one that can be worn just about anywhere, not just on stage or at an "event." The afore-mentioned cream chiffon will finally see the light of day! (and of the machine - that reminds me, i need to get a new lightbulb) I haven't yet decided on making a skirt for myself or making a sundress for someone with a figure.

You see, the secret is this... I hate doing arms. The arm scythe is my nemesis. It bunches, it pulls under the arm, it distorts the neckline, it... well, you get the idea. While I can generally manage to get it right on the living model (just pin the sucker until it lays right and hope for the best) and have no problems if it's straight-sewn from a pattern, I have yet to make a single article for myself that did not end up fitting poorly around the armpit. Even the sleeveless 20's era dress I made for myself doesn't fit right at the arms/shoulders. In addition, I really don't like my arms and prefer to cover them - I consider it a small gift to society.

So. I've got this fabulous fabric and an idea. The skirt idea would be way simple, and I can always use clothes for work, but I just have this idea for the cutest sundress. So, here's the first scan of brainstorming/sketching.

What do you think? Should I make the dress for a friend, or add to my work wardrobe?